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8 Weeks!!!! My struggle with Secondary Infertility

Published November 24, 2013 | By Britany

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Okay…I know the title to this post has way too many exclamation points!!!!!!! But that is just how excited I am to be……{insert drumroll here} PREGNANT!!!! We are gonna get personal today, you have been officially warned. I understand if you don’t want to read further 🙂 But I feel like I want to share, so here goes.

I was diagnosed a couple years ago with what my doctor called secondary infertility. It is where apparently your body has previously had no trouble conceiving, but now, for whatever reason your pipes aren’t operating correctly and becoming pregnant is now a serious struggle. It makes me think of that song “Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men, couldn’t put Humpty together again!” After my last baby was born the doctor’s were not successful helping me get pregnant again. I felt broken.

But, I suppose I should back up and start at the beginning. In September 2008 my sweet baby girl Taylor was born. Love that girl.32turns

When she was a year old, my husband and I started trying for another. No luck and no baby. Come Fall of 2011 I knew something was wrong. I had been off birth control for a long time, I had never had a hard time getting pregnant before, and I knew things with my body were not right. I went to my doctor, and after a few months of meeting with him and continually showing him my tracking and calendars he put me in clomid (fertility drug) in January of 2012. I took the clomid religiously all through 2012. My doctor didn’t want me on the drug longer than a year. So a few days before Christmas that year I was hoping beyond hope that I would be pregnant. I had prayed and felt that we needed to have another baby. I just knew I would be pregnant. But I wasn’t.

It was a hard Christmas last year. My little sis and my sister in law were both here in AZ for the Holidays and had new babies in tow. I loved it. Oh those babies. It was wonderful to snuggle them and smell them (yes baby smell is like a drug to me) but it was so hard. I spent a lot of time taking “bathroom breaks” from the family’s activities so I could pull myself together and not cry.

January of this year was hard, but each month has gotten easier and easier as my husband and I have focused on the cool things about having older kids ie. no naps, no diapers, they can make their own sandwiches and chicken nuggets, they play together pretty independently of us, they understand so many things. I have spent this year working REALLY hard on being emotionally ok with the 2 girls that we have.

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I did spend a lot of time wondering about why Heavenly Father would give me such strong feelings about adding another baby to our family when I couldn’t get pregnant. I was upset at him for awhile and confused. But then I found peace that answers to prayers don’t always mean what we think. In wanting another baby so badly, I grew to love and cherish my girls and my role as a mom more than I ever had. I have alwyas had a strong desire to be a foster parent and possibly adopt through the foster system. My husband and I have talked about this at different stages of our marriage and he has always asked me to wait on starting that process until all of our kids are in school. Well, my youngest goes to school next year so I felt that foster parenting was our next step.

I was finally excited about my family of 4, I had my dog, who is my baby; 2 great kids, a great husband and a plan to start getting licensed to foster next year. Then WHAM, I am feeling nauseous, really tired and craving water over Dr. Pepper, that never happens :). It took me TWO weeks of feeling that way until I stopped and put it together. I could be pregnant?? What?? Then I cried, I didn’t want to go buy a test to have it tell me no. Buying and taking a pregnancy test is like speaking a hope out loud. If you don’t say it out loud it isn’t as real. I called my sister and she told me in very nice words to “get off my bum and go buy a test”. I love my sister and she was right. The first test said PREGNANT. And so did the second test, and so did the third! Agh!

I immediately texted a pic of the pee stick to my hubby who was just as excited as me! It didn’t seem real. I made an appt with my ob and had my first ultrasound done by a medical student. After looking at the screen for like 5 minutes he just kept telling me that he couldn’t find a baby anywhere and he asked me if I was sure my pregnancy test was positive. My heart dropped, this is what I had feared. That somehow the test was wrong and my hope spoken out loud was going to be crushed. But thankfully the doctor came in to help and found the baby immediately.

I am now 8 weeks along today. I am feeling sick and pukey and nauseous and tired and cranky pants. My house is a mess. I am behind on my blog, on my PTSA responsibilities and some days I am a not so stellar mom. But I don’t even care. I am so excited to be baking up a little baby that I don’t even care. I don’t even care that I am already wearing pregnancy pants most days because I am already getting fatter… bring it on! I have never been so excited to get fatter in my life! All the symptoms and annoyances are ok because they mean I am still pregnant.

I thought about not telling anyone about this new little life growing until I was past the 12 week mark, but I couldn’t hold it in. I pray nothing happens and this baby continues to grow and be healthy. Boy, girl, doesn’t even matter, just BRING IT ON! Diapers and midnight feedings and tired crazy mom to a newborn days BRING IT ON! It is beautiful and wonderful and amazing. We are going to have a baby!

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